trying to blog more

So I am going to try and blog more. I was going along fine exercising and starting to shed some fat and wham my good fortune ran dry. I took an ugly spill off an aerobic step and broke my foot, tore 2 ligaments and ripped up a tendon. I am dreading the fact that I will regain the few lbs I lost and then more. I guess that part of me needs the sweets and ice cream to soothe the soul. My soul you see is 66% empty every day of the week and every other Saturday for one hour its full but the rest of the time its a huge, giant void that nothing can fill. If you know my deal you know why 2/3 of who I am is missing and who they are. I dont think I will ever forgive the person behind the masterminding of that scheme to leave me this way and I guess anger is good thing sometimes. I cant be numb forever or shelve those feelings away. I was supposed to be tough and strong and I walked around for a day with a broken foot before going to the ER but emotionally I am weak and fragile these days. The latest in poison pen emails set me back but again I think I need to deal with these demons and not pretend they dont exist. I wish I could find something other than hot fudge and hershey bars to soothe this crushing pain, for a time it was exercise and I need to heal myself inside and out before I can go any further. To the three miracles I created and raised until a few yrs ago I will wait for you and open my heart to you always. You have never left my mind and I know all you do is because you have to. I forgive you for that and I love you more than you could ever know.

The Supermarket

I am feeling better today. Last night's dinner was horrible. Well the rice and beans were good and very low in fat and calories but the chicken was as moist as toilet paper. Think about putting lemon pepper on that and eating it up. Ah no thanks. But I guess this is a learning process. I knew before we went out for errands that food was going to be a problem. Joe likes to eat out and so do I. So being proactive I googled the Wendys website and found out what I could eat that was within my calorie and fat content. I had an Ultimate Chicken grill sandwich and a small chili. For about 500 calories and 13 grams of fat. The hard part was the fact that I watched Joe eat a Bacinator and fries. And they smelled soooo good. I told him that and he said he would try to eat the same things I do when we go out. Then later at home he tried really hard to get me to eat a bowl of ice cream with him. WTH is up with that? It upset me and I told him that too.

Today we went to the grocery store. We squaballed a bit over food and I am sure my choices dont please the two other male eaters in this house (Tyler and Joe) and I am sure my label reading annoyed them too but oh well. This is about me and what I need to do. Tyler had a hissy last night and told me he didnt love me and threw a lollypop at me. When I tried to explain to him that in the bags next to him that my Christmas gift money bought was hats and mittens, a flashlight and pack of nerf darts and some clothes for HIM. He kicked my seat and scowled at me and that made me dissolve into a blubbery mess of tears. I cried hard and I think he finally realized it was bad to say those things but it proves the point that here I am doing for everyone else. Those two need to have some patience and let me do for me for a while. As I write this Joe is off at work for a few hours and I have a super delish chili on the stove. I used lean hamburg cause they were out of turkey at the MB and two kinds of beans to up the fiber. I have low fat Mexican cheese for the top and will make some tacos with fat free flour tortillas later this week. I may even attempt to get some corn tortillas and bake some chips to have with salsa. I have to google how to do that though! For now I am just going slow and trying to adapt to a fresher perspective of eating. And pray the scale is good to me on Saturday when I hop on it!

Angry all the time

Tim McGraw has this awesome song about Why you have to be angry all the time? Thats me. I am angry. I am frustrated and most days there is at least one person I can say has done something that has hurt my feelings. I feel gypped in life because I try so hard to be a good person to everyone. I do things from the heart. My mother understand that, she is the same way. Like her I try to hold it all in and then one day I unleash all of it on who ever is in my way. Usually that comes down to my mom or to Joe. Our marriage to me is unbalanced. Fiscally, emotionally, sexually its all out of sorts. I am lost emotionally and spiritually. I use food to soothe the pain away. I knew that by starting a diet it would open up old wounds and it has. We have put bandaids on severed limbs so to speak in hopes they would heal but the havent. I dont know if the day will come that I can move on because things are not changing at home. I am tired of carrying this marriage and this man on my shoulders. He is to me a dead weight most days and frankly he isnt even my friend anymore. I have come to loathe finding him on a rare occasion at home. While we had a little reprieve yesterday still he had to stop for lunch. And eat food that cost more than my and Tylers meals together. Its selfish, its inconsiderate and he puts him first over all of us. Then there is the whole scratch-a-holic issue, his love for lottery and scratch tickets. He cares about very little and he confesses to me that he can see himself hitting the big one. Puh-leez, there are odds and they are not in his favor. With all the good things he has in his life cant he just be happy with us? Apparently not. I am just so truly sick and tired of the same old story and the same old fights that I dont have it in me anymore. I unleashed this morning and can see the viscious, vile side of Joe that exists when confronted. Instead of being a man and a father who cares for her family when confronted with my feelings and wanted to fix things he turns the tables on me. On me, the one who paid off all the fines to get him a license. The one who emptied out her accounts to give him money for a truck which he let the bank repo. The one who has begged and borrowed and sold all that could be sold to keep a roof over us and food on the table. He has the god damn balls to unleash on me. I said some harsh things yes I did but they were deserved and I meant most of them. His retorts are to make stupid comments that I am fat or lazy, that I dont clean yet a moment later he asks where did the Play do go? I the fat, stupid, lazy non cleaner woman put it away before the kids got into it. Its an ugly cycle similar and yet different than the DV cycle that I lived with when married before. Still part of changing me and changing my life for good is about breaking the cycle. I need a break so bad....

Day 1

I woke up this morning and realized it was past 7 am, a feat in this house of mine. Joe and Tyler came in and tried to be quiet. I snoozed some more, pure bliss. Then Joe began to rub my back which was achy and sore because I have been camped out on the couch fearing what mischief Tyler might get into when he gets up at night. So after a decent sleep and a deep tissue massage I was totally content. Then the pager phone rang. That effin thing I hate it. And the rat race of the day began. Joe is working today. On his DAY OFF. I am here with the kids unshowered and irate. None of the other techs are working today cause clearly they outsmarted Joe and his boss. I know it will be nice to get a little extra in his check and I can use that for some great fruits and veggies at Whole Foods but today was supposed to be our day, a family day. Tomorrow I will spend the morning have a repeat glucose test. I am worried about the outcome of it too. I will find out on Wednesday at my physical what is going on in this fat laden, dysfunctional body of mine. But back to day 1-I have digressed. I ate my breakfast as I fed the baby her own bowl of oatmeal. I also had a piece of 12 grain bread that toasted nicely and some butter I found at Whole Foods that is organic, has 6 grams of fat per tablespoon and 50 calories. Its made from organic sweet cream and its whipped. It melted easily and I had an orange too. All that for less than 400 calories and 9 grams of fat. I drank 4 large glasses of water and have kept busy cleaning. My bathroom is sparkling. It took my mind off food for a while cause if I know I cant have it, I want it. I also checked out the flub that lays atop my yoga pants and that helped me see why it would be a bad idea to eat those M and M cookies in my kitchen. So then I panicked about what to have for lunch and dinner. With some thought I managed a tuna sandwich with a little mayo on toasted bread and I have some strawberries for later. I am actually content, not stuffed right now. I think if I can get some lower fat mayo or greek yogurt to make tuna I can eat it most every day for lunch. If I can find low fat provolone cheese to melt on it even better. I will stick to oatmeal for breakfast too cause I like it. I think on the weekends I will make egg beaters and some low fat sausage but for now I will buy some real oatmeal and see how that goes. I can chop up apples and add some cinnamon or raisins or a handful of slivered almonds too. I can have some fruit during my C period duty cause I cant imagine eating oatmeal and then fruit and then running out the door. So it really will be dinner and then the need for chocolate after dinner that will be hard for me. I have chicken, green beans and rice pilaf planned for tonight and steak for tomorrow night. One day at a time, one meal at a time right? Happy New Year!

The Attack Plan!

So after I had my Auntie Annie's pretzel which was slathered in salt and butter and washed it down with a DIET coke, an oxymoron in itself, I thought how am I going to do this? For some time I have been looking at options, Weight Watchers, Atkins etc. I did a large amount of research on the FDA approved medication orlistat which is now sold over the counter as Alli. It is something that won't cause high blood pressure or other effects because it works in your belly to block some of the fat you eat from being absorbed. Fat calories are the hardest to get rid of and the worst kind to take it. Thats a no brainer there. Alli wont be a magic pill or an answer to why I over eat and why I love to eat the wrong foods but it will enhance the effects of a healthy lifestyle. There are effects if you dont follow the plan which are basically farts with oily spotting, greasy filled stools and sudden or hard to control bowel movements. For those who know about my job and where I am housed this year, I teach five classes in different rooms. Its not easy to get to the bathroom period and the thought of crapping myself in front of 30 kids is a great deterrent from eating a Whopper and paying for it. I signed up online after buying a small smarter kit of Alli and it gave me the calorie count and fat count of what I need to eat each day, 1600 calories and no more than 17 grams of fat per meal. Alli works on what you have eaten for one hour before taking the pill and 2-3 hours after. I also plan to add the exercise into my routine. When and how is an entity of its own to figure out but even if I walk in the fieldhouse aka the gym at school for a half an hour or pound the pavement of MHS during hall duty its better than just sitting there like I have been. I want to teach my kids good habits and be here for them. I have a fear that on Friday I will fail the glucose test and be diagnosed with diabetes or pre diabetes. There is cardiac disease in my mothers family that has caused heart attacks, strokes, blocked arteries, bypass surgeries, stents, valve replacements and ultimately death. I don't want to be part of those stats. Lets just hope for now I can manage the "effects" of the alli and get started in baby steps by losing a few pounds!!!

It hurt me when my hunny said to me Gee We're a couple of loads when he saw this picture. I plan to have a bathing suit ready body to post on June 1!

Starting out

Well where do I even begin? Here I am at, 35 ripe years old with five kids. And I am FAT. Not just a little chunky anymore. I am jiggly, rolled, rippled, full of varicose veins, stretch marks, cellulite and just miserable. I need to take back control of my body and my life.

So I have chosen the New Year to commence a new me. I am tired of doing for everyone else and not getting anything back in return. I am the fixer, the giver, the one who does things because no one else will. Yet my needs go un noticed and unfulfilled. Not anymore!

I used to be the girl who shopped at 5-7-9 and wore a size 0. My mother praised me and bought me prizes for being a reformed skinny girl. I was overweight from Middle School til freshman year of High School then I got sick with alot of stomach problems, Mono and I lost all that weight. But through all of that I still had an affair with food. I love and I hate food. I want to not care about food and only eat because I have to not to have a passion and love for food the way I do. The smells, the textures, the wash of pleasure that comes from the first bite of something I love.

Food has been my friend. Not a kind one to my body but food soothes me when I sad, angry, scared or hurt. Food celebrates with me. It is what I think about many hours each day. It sits in a basket a top a table in the department office at work telling me the other women there like it too and its okay to have some candy or chips cause its what you do during your prep.

I stood in the fitting room at NY and Company yesterday and I could not fit well into size 16 pants. Their XL tops and sweaters clung to my rolls and chub. I could see why my mother bought me 1X or 2X sweaters. I am, truly AM that big. And thats not acceptable to me anymore. I bought a pretzel and savored it soothing my shattered self imagine and debated getting a nice butter pecan cone from Friendlys. I would have if I didnt realize it was only eleven in the morning. I vowed it was time to unleash the skinny girl trapped in the fat woman's body.