The Supermarket

I am feeling better today. Last night's dinner was horrible. Well the rice and beans were good and very low in fat and calories but the chicken was as moist as toilet paper. Think about putting lemon pepper on that and eating it up. Ah no thanks. But I guess this is a learning process. I knew before we went out for errands that food was going to be a problem. Joe likes to eat out and so do I. So being proactive I googled the Wendys website and found out what I could eat that was within my calorie and fat content. I had an Ultimate Chicken grill sandwich and a small chili. For about 500 calories and 13 grams of fat. The hard part was the fact that I watched Joe eat a Bacinator and fries. And they smelled soooo good. I told him that and he said he would try to eat the same things I do when we go out. Then later at home he tried really hard to get me to eat a bowl of ice cream with him. WTH is up with that? It upset me and I told him that too.

Today we went to the grocery store. We squaballed a bit over food and I am sure my choices dont please the two other male eaters in this house (Tyler and Joe) and I am sure my label reading annoyed them too but oh well. This is about me and what I need to do. Tyler had a hissy last night and told me he didnt love me and threw a lollypop at me. When I tried to explain to him that in the bags next to him that my Christmas gift money bought was hats and mittens, a flashlight and pack of nerf darts and some clothes for HIM. He kicked my seat and scowled at me and that made me dissolve into a blubbery mess of tears. I cried hard and I think he finally realized it was bad to say those things but it proves the point that here I am doing for everyone else. Those two need to have some patience and let me do for me for a while. As I write this Joe is off at work for a few hours and I have a super delish chili on the stove. I used lean hamburg cause they were out of turkey at the MB and two kinds of beans to up the fiber. I have low fat Mexican cheese for the top and will make some tacos with fat free flour tortillas later this week. I may even attempt to get some corn tortillas and bake some chips to have with salsa. I have to google how to do that though! For now I am just going slow and trying to adapt to a fresher perspective of eating. And pray the scale is good to me on Saturday when I hop on it!

Angry all the time

Tim McGraw has this awesome song about Why you have to be angry all the time? Thats me. I am angry. I am frustrated and most days there is at least one person I can say has done something that has hurt my feelings. I feel gypped in life because I try so hard to be a good person to everyone. I do things from the heart. My mother understand that, she is the same way. Like her I try to hold it all in and then one day I unleash all of it on who ever is in my way. Usually that comes down to my mom or to Joe. Our marriage to me is unbalanced. Fiscally, emotionally, sexually its all out of sorts. I am lost emotionally and spiritually. I use food to soothe the pain away. I knew that by starting a diet it would open up old wounds and it has. We have put bandaids on severed limbs so to speak in hopes they would heal but the havent. I dont know if the day will come that I can move on because things are not changing at home. I am tired of carrying this marriage and this man on my shoulders. He is to me a dead weight most days and frankly he isnt even my friend anymore. I have come to loathe finding him on a rare occasion at home. While we had a little reprieve yesterday still he had to stop for lunch. And eat food that cost more than my and Tylers meals together. Its selfish, its inconsiderate and he puts him first over all of us. Then there is the whole scratch-a-holic issue, his love for lottery and scratch tickets. He cares about very little and he confesses to me that he can see himself hitting the big one. Puh-leez, there are odds and they are not in his favor. With all the good things he has in his life cant he just be happy with us? Apparently not. I am just so truly sick and tired of the same old story and the same old fights that I dont have it in me anymore. I unleashed this morning and can see the viscious, vile side of Joe that exists when confronted. Instead of being a man and a father who cares for her family when confronted with my feelings and wanted to fix things he turns the tables on me. On me, the one who paid off all the fines to get him a license. The one who emptied out her accounts to give him money for a truck which he let the bank repo. The one who has begged and borrowed and sold all that could be sold to keep a roof over us and food on the table. He has the god damn balls to unleash on me. I said some harsh things yes I did but they were deserved and I meant most of them. His retorts are to make stupid comments that I am fat or lazy, that I dont clean yet a moment later he asks where did the Play do go? I the fat, stupid, lazy non cleaner woman put it away before the kids got into it. Its an ugly cycle similar and yet different than the DV cycle that I lived with when married before. Still part of changing me and changing my life for good is about breaking the cycle. I need a break so bad....

Day 1

I woke up this morning and realized it was past 7 am, a feat in this house of mine. Joe and Tyler came in and tried to be quiet. I snoozed some more, pure bliss. Then Joe began to rub my back which was achy and sore because I have been camped out on the couch fearing what mischief Tyler might get into when he gets up at night. So after a decent sleep and a deep tissue massage I was totally content. Then the pager phone rang. That effin thing I hate it. And the rat race of the day began. Joe is working today. On his DAY OFF. I am here with the kids unshowered and irate. None of the other techs are working today cause clearly they outsmarted Joe and his boss. I know it will be nice to get a little extra in his check and I can use that for some great fruits and veggies at Whole Foods but today was supposed to be our day, a family day. Tomorrow I will spend the morning have a repeat glucose test. I am worried about the outcome of it too. I will find out on Wednesday at my physical what is going on in this fat laden, dysfunctional body of mine. But back to day 1-I have digressed. I ate my breakfast as I fed the baby her own bowl of oatmeal. I also had a piece of 12 grain bread that toasted nicely and some butter I found at Whole Foods that is organic, has 6 grams of fat per tablespoon and 50 calories. Its made from organic sweet cream and its whipped. It melted easily and I had an orange too. All that for less than 400 calories and 9 grams of fat. I drank 4 large glasses of water and have kept busy cleaning. My bathroom is sparkling. It took my mind off food for a while cause if I know I cant have it, I want it. I also checked out the flub that lays atop my yoga pants and that helped me see why it would be a bad idea to eat those M and M cookies in my kitchen. So then I panicked about what to have for lunch and dinner. With some thought I managed a tuna sandwich with a little mayo on toasted bread and I have some strawberries for later. I am actually content, not stuffed right now. I think if I can get some lower fat mayo or greek yogurt to make tuna I can eat it most every day for lunch. If I can find low fat provolone cheese to melt on it even better. I will stick to oatmeal for breakfast too cause I like it. I think on the weekends I will make egg beaters and some low fat sausage but for now I will buy some real oatmeal and see how that goes. I can chop up apples and add some cinnamon or raisins or a handful of slivered almonds too. I can have some fruit during my C period duty cause I cant imagine eating oatmeal and then fruit and then running out the door. So it really will be dinner and then the need for chocolate after dinner that will be hard for me. I have chicken, green beans and rice pilaf planned for tonight and steak for tomorrow night. One day at a time, one meal at a time right? Happy New Year!